Friday, June 7, 2013

One Winged Wonder

On Monday I see the bone doctor.  I'm hoping that he will set me free from this.

I realize now just why we are born with two arms/hands.  They really are both needed in order to live a reasonably productive life.  Have you ever tried to butter toast with one hand?  How about fold the laundry?

Here's what I've learned over the past three weeks!

~Putting on jeans with one hand requires special skills.  There is the wiggling action of getting into them but the real challenge is getting the button done up.  Fresh out of the dryer jeans are the toughest so it's best to wear them for a few days.  Bathroom breaks take more time.

~Proper hairstyling requires two hands.  There is virtually no control during the blow-drying phase and only random strands of hair seem to make it through the straightener.  Air drying works best even if it produces a bit of an abandoned look.  Big thanks to hairdressers who suggest a few extra layers in the cut.  It really does help the no style look.  Why yes, this is the look I'm meaning to go for.  ;)

~Make-up application..... forget about it and go all natural.  It adds to the abandoned look of the hair.  Embrace your new look.  It could be the new you, well for now anyways.

~The $14 "what a rip off" plastic showering glove turned out to be worth it's weight in gold.  A big thank you to the big guy who found it at the medical supply store.  Who knew there was a place to buy all of the stuff you see at hospitals?

~Plastic wrap is for more than just wrapping sandwiches.  It adds an extra protective layer against water leakage on the cast.  Saran wrap is your new best showering friend.

~Putting on a bra requires two hands.  Remember to ask for husband's assistance before he leaves.  If not, resort to wearing an undershirt like you did in elementary school. Don't leave the house or answer any doorbells.  Refrain from asking your neighbour for assistance even if she did offer to help.  (I'm serious!  I always have the best neighbours wherever I live!)  As time passes and you can use the bad hand without it hurting the elbow, you will be able to once again do up your bra and a feeling of total liberation will sweep over you.  Must be how it felt for the bra burners in the 60's.

~Splints and tensor bandages get really itchy when put in humid or sunny locations.  Stay away from greenhouses and sunny decks.  Avoid sweating at all costs!  Warnings of elbows re-disclocating if taken out of splint prematurely is motivation enough to work through the itch and sweaty feeling.

~All crafts need two hands.  Creative withdraw gets easier through the process especially when total boredom begins to numb the brain.  Don't waste time getting the big guy to take you to Michael's looking for the one handed craft.  It doesn't exist.  Even the Martha knitting loom requires two hands.  I know.  I saw it on the box.  If anyone out there has an idea for a one handed craft, it may be what makes you millions!

~Safe driving requires two hands on the steering wheel.  Park the car, stay home and prepare to be bored.

~Looking at scrappy stuff on the computer increases symptoms of craft withdraw.   Limit scrappy related computer time.

~One handed typing takes lots of time.  But on the other hand, no pun intended, you have lots of time to use up.

~Too much time sitting on the sofa leads to feeling crazy..... unless you're a dog.

~Sofa time can lead to extra snacking.  It's a slippery slope, as any weight gain will lead to more challenges putting on jeans.

~Housework is an activity to be missed.  Who would have thought it after considerable whining on the topic?   Be thankful for husbands who take over the domestic front without a complaint.  However, One Winged Wonders do make awesome dusting persons and can even wipe down and clean kitchen surfaces if a second party is willing to wring out their cleaning cloth for them.

~Dreams of getting back to the kitchen and baking cookies are just that.... dreams.  Cookies require measuring of goopy stuff like shortening and peanut butter.  This requires two hands.  Head back to the sofa and eat peanut butter chips bought to make said cookies.  They make a terrific snack.  Remember the slippery slope.

~Too much reading leads to feeling sleepy.  Don't fight the feeling.  An afternoon nap can use up two hours of time otherwise spent bored.  Score!

~Abandon all thoughts of one handed dog walking.  First off, remember the sweating factor of walking in the hot sun which will lead to itching.  But more importantly, realize the logistics of holding two leashes and doing the poop pick up all with one hand.  Discard ideas of anchoring the leashes with one foot while picking up poop with one hand.  You are not that coordinated.  It is this lack of coordination that got you here in the first place. The dogs will break free.  Picture yourself running down the street with one arm in the sling yelling after dogs who don't listen.  Once again, go back to the sofa.  Eat some peanut butter chips.  Have a nap.  Most importantly, remember to ask the big guy if he can take the pups for a stroll in the evening.

~Ironing is like riding a bike,  you never forget how!  A husband who is desperate for a wrinkle free shirt will return to the ironing board and all of his skills learned in RCMP training 30 years ago will come back to him.

~Restaurant eating can be a great outing to relieve boredom.  However, restaurant choice is important.  Stay clear of a place like Earl's were the girls look like they have just walked off of a runway.  They are so coordinated that they can carry 6 dinner plates across a slick floor wearing 4 inch spiked heels.  They would never dislocate an elbow jumping onto a bench.  Not to mention that your abandoned look and medical paraphernalia will make you stand out... and not in a good way.  A sports bar would be a better choice.  The sporty types always have sporting injuries.  Yes, this injury was a sporting one but I managed to make that winning goal that got us the cup.  Yeah.... that's the story.  ;)  Also, my hair could look this way as I just got off the playing field.  I don't let my injuries stop me, I just play through them.  Now I feel like I'm fitting in.  And remember that menu selection is key.  Ordering steak will mean sitting there watching the big guy cut up your meat for you.  Damn it, I dropped the ball.

I have already warned Rob that if I return from my appointment still in a splint,  to be prepared to hear me cry on the drive home.  ;)  Wish me luck!  I really want to get back to scrapping.



  1. Great post! I'm rooting for your freedom on Monday. Between your arm and my teeth, hopefully we'll be back to "normal" soon!

  2. PS: I love the new look of the blog. :-)

  3. Oh Jen, I hope you get your splint off!!! Thinking of you!!! Misery loves company, so I will tell you, I did something to my shoulder. Not sure what but it has been hurting on and off. Greg tore the meniscus in his knee. Painful! He can't walk on it. He had an MRI yesterday (DREADING opening that bill, as we have to pay a portion... I heard once that those are in the $1000's). Next week, an orthopedic specialist to see if he needs arthroscopic surgery. So... I have been making him wrap it to stabilize it and ice it down a few times a day. He is on an anti inflammatory for the inflammation and a steroid for getting rid of the fluid. Been making him take some of that fish oil supplement that his chiropractor recommended, as it is supposed to help with joints and such. His Chiro told him to take that when he hurt his back. Seeing a guy Greg's size try and hobble around on crutches is quite the sight. :) He reminds me of John Goodman in the movie Coyote Ugly when he was hobbling around in that one scene. Also, living in a two story with a basement, with two sets of stairs, is not conducive to having crutches. He is so frustrated and SO bored. Sitting still is not something he is very good at. I can't say that I am either. Luckily for him, the weather has been crap... cloudy and rainy for most of the month, with more to come.

    1. Oooo!!! I LOVE the new pic at the top too!!!

  4. I hope you get your wish! Funny, my husband talks about the time when he was a teenager and his Mum broke her arm...with all his sisters grown up and gone, all kinds of jobs fell to him and he still remembers the bra incident lol

  5. I must admit....I love this really made me giggle. You wrote so well that I could actually "see" you ;-)

    I do hope that you got happy news today and that you have been set free.


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